Your Teeth Are All Clear

Yeah, I know it’s been awhile, and yeah, I’m seriously going to start my first blogging effort in a couple of months like this:

So last week, I went to the dentist.

(It will get better. Trust me, loyal Stephenhero fans.)

Anyway, my dentist is a former Marine, Dr. Kingston, and usually his wife, Mrs. Dr. Kingston is my dental hygienist. But here was some chick in a white coat with blonde Bridget Fonda bangs. Porn-o-rama?

Nope. But her name was Brigid at least. That’s fun.

She stuck her fingers in my mouth.

“I errhey rhike hurrr hrrehcut.”

“Oh, thank you. I just got it all cut off. I donate it to this organization that makes wigs for breast cancer patients. It’s usually down to here.” She motioned down to there.

Maybe I should tune out and tune into the Journey song that’s playing?

“Hiisth isr a rretty rroood rrgong.”

“Yes, it’s LOVE 105 FM. I really like it. They play ten songs in a row without commercials! My husband and I are from Bismarck, ND and we listen to it all the time.”

Oh dear. Why do I keep trying to start conversations with women’s fingers in my mouth?

“Urrkay, Rrridid. Rrher idhg you rrerrrrk effore?”

“Well, I worked at this dentists office in Plymouth, but he fired me. You can spit.”



“He was a Scientologist, and I don’t know much about Scientology, but I’ve studied it a little bit since I was let go (there’s this website, and they have all kinds of information), and I think he considered me an RP, or Repressed Person.”


“Yeah! He was this really charming guy; good looking, nice smile, and we used to have so much fun there when we started, but then he went to Clearwater, Florida for a year, and things started to get really weird when he came back.”

“Rrid he hrret hrreeally rraanoid?”

“Yes, his name is Scott Scharf. (You say it just like ‘Shark.’) He has a website that you can check out. He has a wife and two daughters. I remember once his wife came into the office when he was away for that year, and I asked her how she was doing, you know, all alone with the kids, and she kind of whispered, ‘Actually, Bridgid, it’s kind of nice to have my microwave back!’ You know, because Scientology bans microwaves, and she was trying to get meals together for the kids all by herself!”


“Okay, rinse. And anyway, when he got back from Florida he was super controlling and really focused on us making our quotas and upselling teeth whitening procedures and stuff. I was never comfortable with that, you know. Even in the beginning, when I was applying for the job, he made me take a Personality Test before my first interview. I thought that was kind of weird.”

“Hhrrow can a Rrrientolorisht rree a Rrentist anyrray? Arrent dhrey againsht rrainkillhrers?”

“Yes! But he said it was okay for us to give other people novocaine, it just wasn’t right for his lifestyle. And Scientology is really involved in dentistry. There’s this organization called Sterling Management Group out of California that helps a lot of Scientology dentists with running a business and putting a client list together and scheduling and stuff. Well, one weekend they were coming in for a retreat, and all of us girls were upset because we had to work on the weekend, and we all had to sign this form that said we wouldn’t take any painkillers or prescription medicine for 48 hours before the retreat. One girl said she had a heart condition and that if she didn’t take her prescription that she would die, so Dr. Scharf said it was okay if she kept taking her medicine. But the rest of us had to sign this form. And then when we went into the office that weekend, we sat in this room and they handed out these like Dianetics coloring books and I kind of raised my hand and asked what this had to do with our jobs and some of the other girls started asking questions too. We had a little mutiny!”

“Rrrood rror you.”

“Yeah, and anyway, they went out the door and when they came back they said we’re going to do some other things now and we started talking about stuff that actually had to do with dentistry. You can spit.”


“Yeah, but he really got controlling and mean when he got back from Florida. He said he was at a level where he could audit himself now, and I think he knew I wasn’t interested in hearing about it because he started not talking to me. And then he fired me. He fired all of us in the office in the last few months, actually. Cleaned house. At first I was nervous because there’s so many dental hygienists out there, and it was a good job, but now I work here a few days and a few days in another office. Okay, you can rinse. Dr. Kingston will be right in to check on you.”


10 Responses

  1. Thanks for the dedication.

    That’s a funny story. But what impresses me most is that I was able to decipher your unintelligible dialogue immediately. You have a gift.

  2. What impresses me most is that you know that capital of South Dakota. Wait, no you don’t. Who edits this thing?

    Still, good story. Makes me wish I talked to my hygienists more often.

  3. Sorry, North Dakota and the greater North Dakota diaspora. Life is hard. As you know.

  4. A far cry from the plyers-and-some-laughing gas dentistry of my misspent youth in Blightey.

  5. That’s a lot of dialogue for you to remember without a tape recorder whilst high. Are we sure this isn’t just another Scientology dig by a bigot? Cause i’m pretty sure you can’t remember what happened a few hours ago, let alone an entire conversation this detailed. Don’t buy the hype. And don’t forget to get a free stress test!

  6. Hey, Xenuwillreturn, you a member of seaorg? Cause when people like you use the word bigot, makes me think that LRH probably sodomized you while on valium prescribed by his shrink.

  7. Wow. One showed up. The chum is in the water (of the Gulf of Mexico, where our souls go to … actually I’m a bit spotty on that particular bit of CoS theology.. be recycled? enjoy a well earned vacation? help a non-Clear out here dudes).

  8. hahahahaa
    you made my day!
    that is really funny. That sucks she got fired because she didnt know much about Scientology…
    Great stuff! i need to head to the dentist soon too i need to get my wisdom tooth pulled out. Preferably by someone with a nice haircut and not and old russian guy who spits when he says oPen. P being when he spits. Yuck!

    Great post!

  9. Thank you for writing this clever, little gem! I just found out that Scott Scharf donated massive sums to Scientology because “we are so close-against all odds from the howling SPs,” and I wanted to find out more about him. (“SPs” are suppressive persons, or the devil.) This is a delightful insight into his past. Thanks again.

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