The Americanest Movie of the Summer

Yeah, I know. City Pages puts their Transformers review on The Fucking Cover three days before Stephen Hero even touches it. Unbelievable. This is my shit–I’m the one that was mainlining Hasbro in the 80s, certainly not Rob Nelson. Jesus. Really, it’s not my fault–I’m at the age, 31, where my immature-enough-to-tolerate-robot/car-movie buddies are either married, or living in another market, so I had to wait until my girlfriend was working in order to see it.

And now I have. And it’s the Americanest movie I’ve ever seen. And it ruled. It gives the cynical mainstream American summer blockbuster-going public the formula it wants–reassurance that the smartass heroic individual, pitted against the Powers That Be, be they bureaucrats, cops, secret agents, or Decepticons, has a small chance at getting the girl as long as he has his own set of wheels. Sure, yeah, maybe Michael Bay can be a little formulaic: maybe he is just giving us wicked special effects, and non-stop, quick cut action, but he’s giving us wicked special effects and non-stop, quick cut action with heart. Sorry. I can’t keep a straight face. He doesn’t really do all that. Just had to write that at some point in my life. Anyway, it’s a movie whose opening credits begins with “In Association With Hasbro,” so I don’t have to tell you to skip the mainstream reviews. But because CP put a big Optimus Prime caricature on the cover this week, you might actually read their reviews, like I did. And you might wonder, like I did, why CP would devote The Fucking Cover to this movie. I mean, their reviews are as formulaic as Michael Bay’s film: Nathan Lee writes the usual freshman American Studies-major thesis on product placement (although he tries like hell to write the anti-freshman American Studies-major thesis on product placement), while Rob Nelson delivers a bitchy dispatch from the LA junket/premiere. (Can I just say, Poor Rob.)

Anyway, the only reason that this is remotely interesting is because the CP feature this week was actually good. In “Sucked Dry,” Conrad Wilson wrote a smart, tight 1,500 word piece on why ethanol as an “alternative fuel” is a joke, because corn is so damaging to our state’s water table. Now, regular Stephen Hero readers should be well aware of the Corn-spiracy, but you’re certainly not going to read about this on the front page of the Strib. A story like this is what the so-called alternative media is all about, so why didn’t it get the cover? Look, the graphic is plenty good enough for the cover:


And I’m pretty sure Steve Perry would’ve put the story on the cover (and ran it at 12,000 words, but that’s beside the point). All I’m asking is, isn’t the GM-hating City Pages reader already well-aware that The Transformers is just toy-pushing, gas-guzzling capitalist propaganda?


2 Responses

  1. with heart… forgot “with heart” at the end;-)

  2. or should I say “würth hürt”.

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