If the Packers sign Moss…

I’m switching sides.

I’m allowed to do that, right? Once you’re age four, you’re supposed to recognize that your parents are fallable–so why am I still loyal to daddy’s team, anyway? I’m 30–about to be 31–so the way I see it, being a fan of The Purple is just an unfortunate spandrel created by living in Minnesota during my developmental years.

I could take a more Marxist view, and argue that this belief system has been engineered by a larger, more powerful system, to keep me distracted and assimilated. I’m merely a product of a nefarious network, beamed into my home on Sundays. I’m not the first to point out that football is the new opiate for the masses. Furthermore, this opiate doesn’t even work: The Vikings suck. Not only do they suck, according to SI, their owner, Zygi Wilf, wants them to suck so he can move the team to LA. Red half-heartedly tried that, but Red was a used-car salesman–this new bastard seems to be saavier.

But I do hate Brett Favre. But why? Why do I hate Brett Favre? There’s no reason to hate Brett Favre. In fact, Brett wants my favorite player of all time, Randy Moss. I feel like Brett. I loved Randy Moss. I still love Randy Moss. “Straight cash, homey.” Has anybody ever been more entertaining, either on or off the field? But the Vikings traded Moss for…well, why exactly? We didn’t get anything in return. Troy Williamson? Nap Harris? Yuck. That’s not why. There are only three possible reasons why we traded him: (1) because Culpepper pulled a Lady MacBeth, (2) because Red wanted to stick it to the populist masses for refusing to give him a stadium, even though he took them to the NFC champion game twice, or (3) the local media was responsible because they fed those same populist masses what they really wanted: a caricature of a selfish black monster, despite reports from people that knew Moss privately. Anybody that met him or hung out with him while he was here said he was a shy, if somewhat moody, pro athlete with a lot of money. He wasn’t that much of an asshole. So if we traded Moss for reason (2) or reason (3) or even a combination of (2) and (3), why would I care what our evidently racist community thinks? Fuck you guys. You forced the Vikings into trading our best player ever because you hate black people. And now the team is owned by a shady slumlord-type dude who’s killing the team so he can move it. Is this something I should worry about? Why, when I can be watching Favre to Moss for the next two years in my beautiful new #84 Packers jersey?

Go Green and Gold.


2 Responses

  1. I’m gonna bleen green and gold if it happens.

  2. I Agree! The Vikings are my team but everyone knows they make the worse deals EVER! Moss was the best player the Vikes have EVER had and they throw him away from CulSlipper! What a Joke! If the Vikes win 8 this year I will be happy like every year,, right???? Oh Yeah, Except For When Randy Played For Them! PEACE!! LOVE!!!

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