Sexy Times

I went down to Nebraska to see my friend Ross this last weekend. We spent Saturday on his farm/compound on the outskirts of Lincoln. Ross has been running some uncontrolled experiments with his chickens, llamas, and goats–he consumes psilocybic chocolate and hangs around his animals. He swears psilocybin will help us survive the inevitable biological attack (together with miso, and black strap molasses). We spent an hour in a psycho-fungal haze, ignoring the cold drizzle, observing the end of a love affair between Lloyd the llama and Wilson the sheep.

Ross has three sheep and three llamas, and this summer, after Lloyd and Wilson impregnated their respective significant others, they consummated a cross-specie homosexual relationship. According to Ross, things cooled off this fall, with Lloyd tiring of Wilson’s Whitmanesque appetites. Evidently, Wilson has a hard time taking a hint, because Saturday found him in an amorous mood, repeatedly sidling up to a clearly indifferent Lloyd. I don’t mean to anthropomorphize too much, but the entire mise-en-scene reminded me of a Joe Orton play. Here was Lloyd, the patriarch of a nuclear llama family, with a young wife, Louise, and an adolescent daughter, Lucy. And here was Lloyd’s young, virile, irresponsible ram of a lover, Wilson, who has two sheep bitches that he bullies and chases around with a seemingly unfocused masculine cruelty. As Wilson kept trying to seduce Lloyd, Lloyd’s daughter, Lucy, looked on, transfixed, but not-quite-comprehending the full subtext of her father’s relationship with this low-slung, arrogant interloper. While Lucy’s regal mother–Louise reminds me of the posh, reserved English actress Helen Mirren–stood 30 feet away, looking out into the garden, willfully ignoring the woolly scandal.

But in fact, on the farm, nothing could be more natural. When we returned to the house, Ross told me he had a video that would finally “explain everything.” The video he screened for me, of former desperate military housewife kay griggs, (parts one and two), where she explains, in detail, the perverse sexual mind-control programs at the highest levels of our government, proved to be exponentially more shocking than a goat fucking a llama.


7 Responses

  1. Dear God! I had no idea farm literature could be so engrossing. Why we bypass this genre in literary analysis class I will never know.

    Well, done. I love your writing style.

  2. My family raised sheep for a few years. There are, indeed, gay rams. For some unknown reason, it’s kind of common.

  3. Marsh hates women and blacks.

  4. Yeah how many minutes of that crap do I have to sit through before she gets to the 9/11 stuff?

  5. ‘Marsh’s clan friend’, don’t forget he hates gays too…and you, probably.

  6. Sounds like a sub-plot candidate for Chasing Windmills… if no one minds playing the llama…

  7. Yo. TheChef. Marsh can’t hate me. I’m white. And he doesn’t hate gays. Unless they’re black.

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