18 Months

I’ve been going out too much lately. Some of it for work, most of it for the usual mildly-self-destructive personal reasons. Most notably, made my first visit to the new Chambers hotel. Very cool. It’s filled with the same vacuous, well-powdered 25-45 year old demographic that frequents Bellanotte, but this place has enough game to accommodate their nouveau riche pretension. (Bellanotte always seemed like it was trying to ape a Midtown, NYC place like Marquee, and except for the middle class/middle aged people in plain view, it did a reasonably good job. This, of course, is not meant as kudos.) I enjoyed the Chambers’ “Red White and Fucking Blue Bar”–although boneheaded Midtown policies like “no sneakers” will ultimately belie the strained edginess of the place. (Note to owner Ralph Burnet: it takes more than a few million dollars worth of post-modern English art to compensate for a meathead bouncer who doesn’t understand the concept of designer sneakers. Time to have your Notting Hill art dealer Netflix Just for Kicks, bro.)

Anyway, I was halfway through the $110 order of caviar that I was sharing with my heavily made-up dinner companion, when I came up with my latest theory about women and relationships: it’s called the 18-month theory. I’ve had four major girlfriends in my life, ranging in longevity from four years to a year and a half. But to be honest, looking back, 18 months was the actual duration of all of them. After 18 months, it was always a slow fade to autumn. In some cases, the leaves stayed on the tree a little longer is all. My theory, and this could undoubtedly be proven empirically if I had the time and the money (to spend on google), is that pheromones or feelings or whatever psycho-biological combination of underneath-the-skin phenomena add up to what we all romanticize as “love” last, on average, 18 months. Sometimes a little shorter and sometimes a little longer, but usually 18 months. This is from a man’s perspective, of course, and I’m sure there are all kinds of instinctual reasons for this, but that’s the timeframe in which your body will allow you to really feel like wanting to be with somebody.

I’m not saying you can’t take “breaks” and then go back and start this process over with the same person, and eventually Big Farm will probably come up with a designer drug that can prolong this chemical reaction. Why haven’t they already? Well, right now, Big Farm is interested in perpetuating consumer society. They’re not making drugs that will help us to evolve (and men need help, trust me–the Y chromosome is weakening into obsolescence as you read this blog). Of course designer drugs are our future, but they can’t be controlled by the military-industrial complex anymore. We don’t need adderall and hard on pills and all these go, go, go mind control agents. We need pills that will push love past 18 months. Don’t you think?


12 Responses

  1. That’s monkey-minded bullshit.

  2. Ignore me, then. Just keep drinking your red bull, bro. Flick on the tube and soak up the rays. But if people know what’s possible chemically, if they know what to ask for, and start asking for it, maybe then we can move forward instead of running in place.

  3. Your theory is basically correct, but with enough smoke and mirrors one can manage to parlay the 18 months into a much longer time span. “Smoke and mirrors,” meaning mystery and space (both physical and psychic space).

    Driving the opposite sex wild with desire is an art.

    Like a super drawn-out strip tease… with just enough action to keep you interested.


  4. we need some of whatever those turkey’s were on. but anyway, do you do much gambling?

  5. Or help us forget 18 months ala’ Sun Shine of the Spotless Mind. I love Kaufman.

  6. I agree completely, steve. I used to give my lovers a maximum of 2 years, after which I would depart — no matter how good things seemed. They never quite understood, but it worked well until it didn’t.

  7. You need an editor. And a percocet.

  8. fuck the bourgeois hotels in this city.

  9. distance has no way
    of making love

  10. Yeah, what geoff said.

    Actually, I agree with you here, Steve. My case is slightly different, but adopts the same theory. I’ve done some reflecting the past couple months and have realized that every relationship I’ve ever had has lasted either just under 3 months or just over 2 years. I hypothesize that the 3-month period is the “love” period. The rest, as aphrodite says above, is all about employing methods to keep that feeling of love going. In my case, I suspect that, even in the longer relationships, I always knew after 3 months that I’d fallen out of love. However, various factors influenced me to want to keep the relationship going. Everyday factors like location, job, housing, pets. Only once have I felt that I let something go with lasting potential. You already know the circumstances of that wreckage.

  11. I’ll tell you the cure-all pill: start banging strippers.

  12. Well, this is from one old lady who gets a kick out of reading your blog — what you guys are talking about isn’t love

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