There were reports this morning that Terrell Owens, the famously mercurial wide receiver for the Cowboys, attempted suicide.

“Hmmm,” I thought. “Just like Hunter S. Thompson or Vincent Foster, huh?”

T.O. has been outspoken in the past, and I’ve always had a hunch that he just may be enough of a narcissistic publicity hound to spill the beans on the fact that the NFL is the 2006 version of Huxley’s Centrifugal Bumble Puppy–Satanic mind control foisted on the masses by the New World Order. Perfect candidate for a “suicide.” Don’t get me wrong, Owens is the starting wide receiver on my fantasy team. He’s a tremendous talent (I’m sure the State Department already has a tasty gene sample of his for “further study”). And if I’m going to have to play with the rest of you morons in the sick psychological lab that is the USA, well, I’m going to make some scratch.

But it turns out that Owens wasn’t suicided this time. In fact, he just held a press conference in Dallas where he denied “the rumors” that he gobbled 35 designer pain pills. He attributed the 911 call by his publicist to a “misunderstanding” and he characterized the notion that he would kill himself as “absurd.” Hilarious! Dallas’ finest (of course this went down in Dallas!) must have brought him back into line.


3 Responses

  1. I’m an idiot. I traded him this morning under the assumption that he was D-U-N. How does he trump this media circus, you ask? For his next trick he’ll come out of the closet.

  2. Bo Jackson whoopass.

  3. This is very nice and informative post. I have bookmarked your site in order to find out your post in the future.

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